MISinformation: 'The Only Newsletter of Computer Humor!'(TM)



Here are some recent comments that readers made

on company time



Entry of May 11, 1998 at 18:00 [EST]
Says "The Contrarian" - Leo@ByteMe.com

"This page sucks big time!" :-) Someone had to do it.

Entry of May 11, 1998 at 18:13 [EST]
Says The dawg - ChiChi@tacobell.com

Yo quiero MISinformation!

Entry of May 22, 1998 at 22:33 [EST]
Says Don - Don@Juan

Hmmm... I've seen funnier stuff at: http://www.yahoo.com search_string: "leprosy"

Entry of Jun 23, 1998 at 08:26 [EST]
Says Eric B. - eb@eb.white

I hear that when Silicon valley programmers' code bombs they don't cry, they Saab!

Entry of Jun 23, 1998 at 09:36 [EST]
Says ByteMe - ByteMe@byteme.com

Two software engineers are trying to measure a telephone pole. They keep trying to climb it and keep sliding down. Along comes this really big iron-pumper and asks, "what are you guys doing?" The two programmers say, "We're trying to measure the height of this pole." The washboard-abs guy wraps his arms around the pole, pulls it out of the ground, lays it down and measures it. Then he picks it up, puts it back in the ground, "40 feet," he says walking away. The first programmer says to the other, "What a stupid idiot - we wanted the *height*, not the width."

Entry of Jun 25, 1998 at 09:12 [EST]
Says Watergate's Deep Thought - Yorga@red.com.u.nist

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

Entry of Jun 23, 1999 at 13:22 [EST]
Says Ram - ram.s@mailcity.com

How could one identify, whether a machine is running Windows NT? Insert your wallet into the Floppy drive, and see it getting empty. That's Win NT.

Entry of Jul 2, 1999 at 23:27 [EST]

Year 2K Bug Off! Mark Levitt Experts have predicted that the year 2000 will introduce a multitude of glitches to our predominately computer based technology. On January1, 2000, some doomsayers predict that everything electrical will stop working because computers cannot assimilate the numerals "00". Some consumers anticipate plane crashes, global recession, banks that will not open, and jails that will not close. I have some neurotic friends who believe that when the year 2000 hits, suddenly somehow we shall all be transported back in time to a pre-industrial era in which we shall all have to live with our family like the "Joads" in Steinbeck’s novel, "The Grapes Of Wrath". I believe that a lot of the hysteria and fear about the year 2K comes from the fact that experts refer to this phenomenon as a "bug". It is a well known fact that people instinctively recoil when they see a bug. We fear bug’s physical grotesqueness, their diseases, and their winged intrusions into our homes. Instead, technicians could have spared us a lot of grief by terming the problem "The Year 2K Inconvenience" or "The Year 2K Boo-Boo" which implies that you could just attach a bandage to your computer and everything would be fine. Consumers also dread the Year 2K Problem because they fear technology run amok. This fear is dramatized well in the film "2001" in which a computer named, "Hal" takes over, runs amok, and kills off several crewmen in a spaceship. Some people fear Bill Gates, the CEO of Microsoft, himself because he is so rich and appears to devour everything in his path. Many call Gates a four eyed boogyman. I feel that the Year 2K Problems have been highly exaggerated. Those who feel the beginning of the new year will usher in apocalyptic conditions can rest easy. Here is a list of the only minor problems which I foresee at the dawn of the new millenium: · At 12:01 AM, January1, 2000, a rifle toting Charlton Heston will take to the streets and shout, "It’s Doomsday, arrrrghh, Doomsday!!!!". · Loss of power during a Riverdance concert at Rockefeller Center will cause Lord Flately to jig and stomp on several people’s heads in the first row. · Shifts in the galaxy will occur; causing a parallel universe to appear in which Tim Conway and Harvey Korman are still considered funny. · Performers Pee Wee Herman and George Michael will decide to "ring in" the new millenium in the same way while in a Manchester Lavatory.

Entry of Jun 26, 2000 at 09:12 [EST]
Says Leo DeVoe - Leo@zc.com

Bill Gates dies in a car accident and finds himself in Purgatory being sized up by God ... "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 98. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill replied, "Well thanks God. What's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" said Bill. God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmmm, I think I prefer Hell," he told God. "Fine" retorted God "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going Bill?" asked God. Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment. "This has been totally misrepresented! What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?" God said, "That was the screen saver."

Entry of Oct 4, 2000 at 14:41 [EST]
Says Nathan - kwkdrw@aol.com

(Yes, I'm aware aol blows.) This occured in training a couple weeks ago... When setting up WINS servers across domains on NT server 4.0: I was a bit ahead on the lab, and went and clicked on the replicate option. The error: You are not permitted to replicate with an unconfigured partner.

Entry of Feb 5, 2001 at 14:17 [EST]
Says Al Macintyre - MacWheel99@aol.com

Real Programmers > Does anyone have a copy of the set of one-liners titled: > Real Programmers Don't Each Quiche ? > If so, please forward privately to me. for the rest of us: http://www.cyberdrive.net/~wthompson2/funnies/realprog.htm IT Devil's Dictionary http://www.isham-research.freeserve.co.uk/dd.html Project Management Proverbs http://www.project-training-uk.freeserve.co.uk/

Entry of Feb 5, 2001 at 14:22 [EST]
Says Al Macintyre - MacWheel99@aol.com

Engineers vs. Computer Programmers On a train to a large computer convention there were a bunch of computer programmers and a bunch of computer engineers. Each of the programmers had a train ticket. The group of engineers had only ONE ticket for all of them. The programmers started laughing, figuring the engineers were going to get caught and thrown off the train. When one of the engineers, the lookout, said "here comes the conductor", all of the engineers went into the bathroom. The programmers were puzzled. The conductor came aboard, said "tickets please" and got tickets from all the computer programmers. He then went to the bathroom and knocked on the door and said "ticket please". The engineers stuck the ticket under the door. The conductor took it and moved on. A few minutes later the engineers came out of the bathroom. The computer programmers felt really stupid. On the way back from the convention, the group of programmers decided that they would try that method, too. They bought one ticket for the whole group. They met up with the engineers in the same car. Again, the programmers started snickering at the engineers. This time NONE of the engineers had tickets. When the lookout said "Conductor coming!", all the engineers went to one bathroom and all the computer programmers went to the other bathroom. Before the conductor came on board, one of the engineers left their bathroom, knocked on the programmers bathroom, and said "ticket please."

Entry of Feb 6, 2001 at 16:30 [EST]
Says Jumbo -

Real Programmers ... Don't eat quiche. Real programmers don't even know how to spell Quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-scorching Szechwan food. Don't write application programs. They program right down to the bare metal. Application programs are for dullards who can't do system programming. Don't write specs. Users should be grateful for whatever they get. They are lucky to get any program at all. Don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to under- stand and even harder to modify. Don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much it did for them. Don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is a hallmark of the novice and the coward. Don't use Cobol. Cobol is for wimpy application programmers. Don't use Fortran. Fortran is for wimpy engineers who wear white socks pipe stress freaks, and crystallography weenies. They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor simulation. Don't use PL/1. PL/1 is for insecure momma's boys who can't choose between Cobol and Fortran. Don't use BASIC. In fact, *no* programmers use BASIC after reaching puberty. Don't use APL, unless the whole program can be written on one line. Don't use LISP. Only effeminate programmers use more parentheses than actual code. Don't use Pascal, Bliss, ADA or any of those sissy-pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is a crutch for people with weak memories. Never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9 a.m. it's because they were up all night. Don't play tennis or any other sport which requires a change of clothes. Mountain climbing is ok, and real programmers often wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room. Disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive, pre- maturely toilet-trained neurotics who wear neckties and carefully line up sharpened pencils on an otherwise uncluttered desk. Don't like the team programming concept. Unless, of course, they are the Chief Programmer. Have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. Managers are for dealing with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners and other mental defectives. Scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bed- wetters who are unable to "think big." Don't drive clapped-out Mavericks. They prefer BMWs, Lincolns or pick-up trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded. Don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules. Managers "firm up" schedules. Frightened coders strive to make schedules. Real programmers ignore schedules. Like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave oven. Real pro- grammers use the heat given off by the cpu. They can tell what job is running just by listening to the rate of popping. Know every nuance of every instruction and use them all in every read program. Puppy architects won't allow execute instructions to address another execute as the target instruction. Real programers despise such petty restrictions. Don't bring brown bag lunches to work. If the vending machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche.

Entry of Mar 26, 2001 at 17:22 [EST]
Says Mohammad Adil Usman - unitedchemist@usa.net

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch. The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest. "How much is it?" she asked. "One hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so. "But it comes with an inscription," he said. "What kind of inscription?" she asked. "Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers favorites is, NEVER UP, NEVER IN.'" "OH, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place!"

Entry of Jul 9, 2002 at 13:03 [EST]

Ahemmmmm (clearing my throat) "goddangit" - Speaking of justice and corporate evil-doers, you will enjoy www.edwardbaskett.com. Declared "brilliant" by some critics, it is funny reading with a bite, mildly sarcastic, and sure to make you laugh out loud. The music is beautiful, too. Now, fix yourself a stiff drink, relax, and prepare to have a WONDERFUL time!!

Entry of Oct 6, 2002 at 10:07 [EST]
Says Tim Osten - tosten@insightbb.com

REDMOND, WA, October 2, 2002— Microsoft Corporation announced today the development of a new operating system for business systems. The new operating system, code name "Beast" (formerly Longhorn) is set for release in late 2004, according to Microsoft spokesperson Tanya Hyde, "The new operating system will allow creation of complicated business services, leveraging existing Microsoft components and enabling cross platform compatibility, using a maximum of system resources". The "Beast" OS will rely heavily on local system resources, so much so, that users may find system resources unavailable for extended periods of time. This "blackout time" is touted as a "feature" (previously unavailable on most Microsoft operating systems without special service packs from Microsoft), enabling developers and users to spend more time interfacing with each other and building strong interpersonal relationships over a cup of coffee in the break room. "This strong sense of community will go a long way towards easing tensions between managers, users, and developers", says Mit Netso, coordinator for testing on Beast OS. "We've already had users report receiving the Blue Screen of Death as soon as they logon. That's a sure sign that MS Beast is working." The next generation of Office, nicknamed Office Beast, will coincide with the release of the new OS. In addition to the normal Office suite of products, Office Beast promises a semi-sentient garbage collection utility that will manage any remaining system resources. The utility will be responsible for removing any undesired files or programs, based on a new RA (Random Act) algorithm developed specifically for Office Beast. Microsoft hopes the new utility will spur industry interest by providing a unique alternative for configuration management. Despite a track record for delaying software releases, Microsoft held strong to it's statement that MS Beast and Office Beast will be delivered on time, contending that MS Beast is a different breed of OS that can be developed faster and more reliably than a traditional OS. "In fact," says Tanya Hyde, "be prepared for the beta release of Beast, labeled Sasquatch, to be made available to remote Microsoft solution partners in Washington, Oregon, and parts of British Columbia within the next year".

Entry of Feb 9, 2003 at 17:37 [EST]
Says A person who hates this web page. -

this god dam web page is so gay michael jackson turned it down.

Entry of Oct 10, 2003 at 03:28 [EST]
Says jf - bodycode@free.fr

the Body-Coding International Board: http://www.bodycoding.free.fr/

Entry of Nov 02, 2005 at 15:08 [EST]
Says Admin -

Removed Junk Posts

Entry of Aug 24, 2006 at 00:13 [EST]
Says Tim Washer - tim@timwasher.com

Here's a mainframe comedy trilogy: http://mainframe.typepad.com/blog/2006/08/mainframe_meets.html

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