* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Computer Humor Distribution #27 * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * NOTE: You are on this mailing list because you subscribed via ListBot. To remove yourself from this list or change your email address, you must do so via ListBot (http://www.listbot.com/cgi-bin/subscriber). * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * What is the "Computer Humor Distribution?" MISinformation has been presenting "original" computer humor since 1986. That original material is slowly being migrated from print (newsletters) to our web page. The "Computer Humor Distribution," (this mailing) on the other hand, is not original at all, it's a collection of the latest computer-related humor circulating on the net. Some of it you may have seen, some you may not. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * We pay for computer humor... (details at the end of this note) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Barbarians at the Gates * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Bill Gates dies in a car accident and finds himself in Purgatory being sized up by God ... "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 98. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill replied, "Well thanks God. What's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" said Bill. God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmmm, I think I prefer Hell," he told God. "Fine" retorted God "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going Bill?" asked God. Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment. "This has been totally misrepresented! What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?" God said, "That was the screen saver." * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Greetings: The best greeting card we've seen in a long time. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your promotion. INSIDE: Before you go though, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * We read the crappy ones so you don't have to -- The best 8 of 41: You might work in software if ... * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 8. You learn about your layoff on CNN. 9. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes. 21. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple. 27. You work 200 hours 'overtime' for the $100 recognition check and then jubilantly say, "Oh wow, thanks!" 32. Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in your spare time", "when you're freed up", and "I have an opportunity for you". 34. Vacation is something you rollover to next year or a check you get every January. 35. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers" or "does something with defense". 21. When someone says, "What did you say?" you reply, "Scroll up!" * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Don't Try This on Your PC... :-) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * The flying cow game: http://www.mediafarm.no/forsoksgard/kukaster.asp "Will code for beer:" http://www.ionet.net/~timtroyr/funhouse/beer.html I've you've ever worked a helpdesk (or even if you haven't) you'll appreaciate the file whine.zip which you can download from the MISinformation site: members.aol.com/misinfo/whine.zip * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * We received the below email recently. It's called the "LAZY GUY" virus and it's the latest scourge! WARNING: DON'T READ IT! * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * I'm too lazy to program a real virus, so here goes: This virus works on the honor system; Please forward this message to everyone you know ... Then, if you would, please delete all the files on your hard disk drive ... Finally, please forward this email to everyone in your address book. Thank you for your cooperation. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Seen a funny or odd web site? Tell us about it. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * For more computer humor, visit our web page at: http://members.aol.com/misinfo * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * We pay for computer humor... Got a funny computer joke or story? Seen a funny web site? Tell us about it and we'll pay you... we'll pay you a nice complement... Really, share it with us and we'll share it with other computer users. Just go to our web site http://members.aol.com/misinfo and follow the link to "Share a joke or comment." Then add your 2 cents to our web page. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Past issues of the MISinformation Computer Humor Distribution can be found at http://members.aol.com/misinfo/cheap.htm * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Have a nice day :-) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * All material presented here is: Copyright 2000 Chris Miksanek and MISinformation * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *