* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Computer Humor Distribution #26 * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * NOTE: You are on this mailing list because you subscribed via ListBot. To remove yourself from this list or change your email address, you must do so via ListBot (http://www.listbot.com/cgi-bin/subscriber). * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * What is the "Computer Humor Distribution?" MISinformation has been presenting "original" computer humor since 1986. That original material is slowly being migrated from print (newsletters) to our web page. The "Computer Humor Distribution," (this mailing) on the other hand, is not original at all, it's a collection of the latest computer-related humor circulating on the net. Some of it you may have seen, some you may not. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * We pay for computer humor... (details at the end of this note) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Recruitment Scenario #31 * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources administrator asked a young software engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it." * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Don't Try This on Your PC... :-) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * "Whip the Worker" is one of the funniest apps we've seen. The resemblance to your co-worker will be uncanny as will the cathartic experience of punching and chopping at the irritating dork. Download it from the MISinformation site: members.aol.com/misinfo/whip.zip * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * What? Me Worry? * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied, only a little while. The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American then asked, "but what do you do with the rest The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life." The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise." The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?" To which the American replied, "15-20 years." "But what then?" The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions." "Millions.. Then what?" The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos." * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * What? Me Worry II? NOT... How Many Times Has Your Inbox Been Stuffed With Urban Legends? Here's the Mother of them All * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolled around. His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute Gates. (It's true -- I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disneyworld vacation, Nike sneakers and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.) The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital -- the one, actually, where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to twenty people you will have good luck but ten people will only have OK luck and if you send it to less than ten people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along without his lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 10 Characteristics of "The Company Car" * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 1. Accelerates at a phenomenal rate. 2. Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car. 3. Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars. 4. The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked. 5. It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing. 6. It needs cleaning less often than private cars. 7. The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building material. 8. Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the radio. 9. It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition. 10. It is especially sand and waterproof for barbecues and fishing expeditions on remote beaches. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Tech Support Horror Tale #207 * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Tech Support: OK, Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager. Customer: I don't have a 'P'. Tech Support: On your keyboard, Bob. Customer: What do you mean? Tech Support: 'P' on your keyboard, Bob. Customer: I'm not going to do that! * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Seen a funny or odd web site? Tell us about it. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * For more computer humor, visit our web page at: http://members.aol.com/misinfo * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * We pay for computer humor... Got a funny computer joke or story? Seen a funny web site? Tell us about it and we'll pay you... we'll pay you a nice complement... Really, share it with us and we'll share it with other computer users. Just go to our web site http://members.aol.com/misinfo and follow the link to "Share a joke or comment." Then add your 2 cents to our web page. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Past issues of the MISinformation Computer Humor Distribution can be found at http://members.aol.com/misinfo/cheap.htm * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Have a nice day :-) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * All material presented here is: Copyright 2000 Chris Miksanek and MISinformation * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *