* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Computer Humor Distribution #25 * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * NOTE: You are on this mailing list because either you subscribed or otherwise expressed an interest in computer humor. -> If you want to be removed from this list send an email telling us so. <- * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * We pay for computer humor... (details at the end of this note) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Mailing list news.... * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Beginning in January, we will be exclusively using LISTBOT to maintain the MISinformation free computer humor distribution. If you haven't signed-up via LISTBOT, please do. Just go to http://members.aol.com/misinfo/cheap.htm and enter your email address. It's that easy. Thanks. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Is your job a ball-and-chain? An albatross? * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK.....You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle. IN PRISON...You get three meals a day. AT WORK.....You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior. AT WORK.....You get rewarded for good behavior with more work. IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK.....You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games. AT WORK.....You get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON...You get your own toilet. AT WORK.....You have to share. IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK.....You cannot even speak to your family and friends. IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK.....You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. AT WORK.....You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK.....They are called supervisors. IN PRISON...You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes. AT WORK.....You get fired if you get caught. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Don't Try This on Your PC... :-) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * The attached files should bring a chuckle to SOMEONE... * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * "The Boss's Itinerary" * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * To ensure that you have a good time on your trip to Australia, your team members have planned and developed a special itinerary to fill the time during your leisure hours. Agenda follows: Day 1: The "10 Deadliest Snakes" Fall Tour. You and a guest will be escorted through the outback and provided with the opportunity to handle and examine each of the world's 10 most deadly snakes. Day 2: The "Great White Encounter." You and your tour guide will take a small boat to the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be able to dive into the chum-laden water and experience the beauty of the Great White shark. Day 3: The Aboriginal "Festival of Spears." You will be the honored guest of a small aboriginal village as they celebrate the subjugation of the aboriginal race by the white man, with free liquor and a special weapons exhibition. Day 4: The "Crocodile Dundee" Petting Zoo. You will be able to come up-close and personal with the occasionally harmless salt-water crocodiles of the Australian coast. Lucky audience members are asked to participate in a croc wrestling exhibition. Day 5: "Those Marvelous Morays." This tour will once again return you to the beauty of the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be allowed to hand feed special finger-shaped sausages to the wild eels of Stubby Hand Reef. We hope you will enjoy your trip! Your loyal employees. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Tips for Managers and Bosses * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing. If it's really a "rush job", run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about you having to pay so much in taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * "A Horse of a Different Color..." * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including but not limited to the following: 1. Buying a stronger whip. 2. Changing riders. 3. Threatening the horse with termination. 4. Appointing a committee to study the horse. 5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses. 6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included. 7. Appointing an intervention team to re-animate the dead horse. 8. Creating a training session to increase the rider's load share. 9. Re-classifying the dead horse as living-impaired. 10. Changing the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead." 11. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse. 12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed. 13. Donating the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting its full original cost. 14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance. 15. Doing a time management study to see if lighter riders would improve productivity. 16. Purchasing an after-market product to make dead horses run faster. 17. Declaring that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better. 18. Forming a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses. 19. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for horses. 20. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position. 21. Applying for a government subsidy to retrain dead horses. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Seen a funny or odd web site? Tell us about it. Here's some to get you in the holiday spirit... * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * The Official Chia Pet Site: http://www.chiapet.com/chiapet.htm The Official Totes Site: http://www.totes.com The Official Clapper Site: http://www.chiapet.com/clapp.htm * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * For more computer humor, visit our web page at: http://members.aol.com/misinfo * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * We pay for computer humor... Got a funny computer joke or story? Seen a funny web site? Tell us about it and we'll pay you... we'll pay you a nice complement... Really, share it with us and we'll share it with other computer users. Just go to our web site http://members.aol.com/misinfo and follow the link to "Share a joke or comment." Then add your 2 cents to our web page. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Past issues of the MISinformation Computer Humor Distribution can be found at http://members.aol.com/misinfo/cheap.htm * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Have a nice day :-) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * All material presented here is: Copyright 1998 Chris Miksanek and MISinformation * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *