* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Computer Humor Distribution #24 * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * NOTE: You are on this mailing list because either you subscribed or otherwise expressed an interest in computer humor. -> If you want to be removed from this list send an email telling us so. <- * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * We pay for computer humor... (details at the end of this note) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * News that's not exactly as exciting as what our Commander-in-Chief's up to in the Oval Office... * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * NEW YORK - People for the Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS) announced today that more software companies have been added to the groups "watch list" of companies that regularly practice software testing. "There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that companies like these can market new products," said Ken Grandola, a spokesman for PETS. "Alternative methods of testing these products are available." According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthy arduous test - often without rest - for hours or days at a time. Employees are assigned to "break" the software by any means necessary and inside sources report that they often joke about "torturing" the software. "It's no joke," Grandola said. "Innocent programs, from the day they are compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and 'crashed' for hours on end. They spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained computers, and they are unceremoniously deleted when they're not needed anymore." Grandola said that the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is infested with bugs. "We know alternatives to this horror exist," he said, citing industry giant Microsoft Corp. as a company that has become successful without resorting to software testing. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Speaking of whom... Don't Try This on Your PC... ;-) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * The attached application is one of the funniest things ever sent to us! Express your VOTE! * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * These quotes were taken from actual resumes: * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience." 2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms." 3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year." 4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions." 5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave." 6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades." 7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people." 8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience." 9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time." 10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details." 11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move." 12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments." 13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse." 14 "I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail." 15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing." 16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage." 17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant." 18. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far." 19. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments." 20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store." 21. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job." 22. "Marital status: often. Children: various." 23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employee get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions." 24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers. 25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten." 26. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me." * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * And if you believe that ... these quotes were taken from actual performance evaluations: * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." 2. "I would not allow this employee to breed." 3. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." 4. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there." 5. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." 6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." 7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Seen a funny or odd web site? Tell us about it. Here's the oddest one we could come up with on short notice. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * A tour of Bill Gates' private quarters: http://www.terrylove.com/gates.htm * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * For more computer humor, visit our web page at: http://members.aol.com/misinfo * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * We pay for computer humor... Got a funny computer joke or story? Seen a funny web site? Tell us about it and we'll pay you... we'll pay you a nice complement... Really, share it with us and we'll share it with other computer users. Just go to our web site http://members.aol.com/misinfo and follow the link to "Share a joke or comment." Then add your 2 cents to our web page. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Past issues of the MISinformation Computer Humor Distribution can be found at http://members.aol.com/misinfo/cheap.htm * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Have a nice day :-) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * All material presented here is: Copyright 1998 Chris Miksanek and MISinformation * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *