* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Computer Humor Distribution #23 * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * NOTE: You are on this mailing list because either you subscribed, expressed an interest in computer humor, or you were included on a distribution list of a humorous item that was sent to us. If you want to be removed from this list send an email telling us so. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * We pay for computer humor... (details at the end of this note) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Corporate directive of the month: * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 14 of the "Top 20 Replies by Programmers when their programs do not work" (They weren't all funny) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 14. "That's weird..." 13. "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?" 12. "Why do you want to do it that way?" 11. "Did you check for a virus on your system?" 10. "There is something funky in your data." 9. "You must have the wrong version." 8. "You can't use that version on your system." 7. "Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel? 6. "I thought I fixed that." 5. "Hmmm. It's never done that before." 4. "It worked yesterday." 3. "I haven't touched that module in weeks!" 2. "How is that possible?" And the #1 Reply by Programmers when their programs don't work: 1. "Somebody must have changed my code." * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Don't Try This on Your PC... ;-) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 1. Open a new document in Word 2. Type "I'd like to see you naked" (without the quotes) 3. Highlight the entire sentence you just typed 4. Click Tools; Thesaurus (or hit shift-F7 to open the thesaurus) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Top Eleven Excuses For Sleeping in Your Cube * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 11. "It's okay...I'm still billing the client." 10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to." 8. "I was working smarter, not harder." 7. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper." 6. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!" 5. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!" 4. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!" 3. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up a contact lens without my hands." 2. "Ahh, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!" And the #1 excuse for sleeping in your cube... 1. "I was cross-training for telecommuting." * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Don't Try This on Your PC... ;-) Part Deux * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 1. In Excel 97, open a new blank work sheet. 2. Press F5 (go to function) and type X97:L97 in the 'Reference' box. Then click OK 3. Now hit your tab key once (you should end up in cell M97). 4. Here's the tricky part: press CTRL + SHIFT while clicking once on the 'chart wizard' icon (the one at the top with the blue-yellow-red bar chart). 5. After a few moments, you should be flying. 6. Steer with the mouse, accel and decel with the left and rightmouse buttons respectively, and look for the monolith with the program credits. You can exit the screen by pressing CTRL+SHIFT+ESC. 7. Steer with the mouse. Moving it sideways moves you sideways. 8. Acceleration depends on mouse acceleration. Left Click to zoom in, right click to zoom out. You can hit ESC to quit. But then, you must restart EXCEL and do it all over again to get back. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Are you a Dilbert Fan? A report from the field as reported in the Dilbert Newsletter #20: * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * I just attended a "Technical Architecture Course," given by a highly paid consultant. After seeing slides upon slides with words like "prewrote," "summarization," and "stateful," she came to a sequence with "transactionality" scattered throughout. As an aside, she complained, "You know, it's interesting. Microsoft Word doesn't know any of these computer words. It marks them as misspelled." Apparently, we can look forward to a Dilbert animated TV show beginning in January 1999 on UPN. There's been a lot of speculation as to the voices (for example, MISinformation picks: Herman Melville as Dilbert to Rene Descartes' Wally), but in the end, here're the voices chosen: Dilbert: Daniel Stern Dogbert: Chris Elliot Boss: Larry Miller Alice: Kathy Griffin Wally: Gordon Hunt Want to keep on top of Dilbert happenings? There're usually a few funny bits in the sporadically-published free Dilbert email newsletter. To sign up, send an e-mail message using this address and format: Address: listserv@listserv.unitedmedia.com Subject line: newsletter Message: subscribe Dilbert_News Firstname Lastname (Don't include any other information. Your e-mail address will be picked up automatically.) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end..."And lead us not into temptation", she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen." * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Seen a funny web site? Tell us about it. Here's one we think is cool... * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * For those too young to remember, acoustic couplers are *not* marital aids for deaf people (http://www.odyssee.net/~dlessard/acoustic.htm). This is not your father's hardware... wait, actually, it probably *was." Hang-10 at the PC Museum: http://www.microtec.net/~dlessard/ Especially interesting is Bill Gates' 1976 whiny: "An Open Letter to Hobbyists" at http://www.microtec.net/~dlessard/openltr.html * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * For more computer humor, visit our web page at: http://members.aol.com/misinfo * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * We pay for computer humor... Got a funny computer joke or story? Seen a funny web site? Tell us about it and we'll pay you... we'll pay you a nice complement... Really, share it with us and we'll share it with other computer users. Just go to our web site http://members.aol.com/misinfo and follow the link to "Share a joke or comment." Then add your 2 cents to our web page. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Past issues of the MISinformation Computer Humor Distribution can be found at http://members.aol.com/misinfo/cheap.htm * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Have a nice day :-) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * All material presented here is: Copyright 1998 Chris Miksanek and MISinformation * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *