* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Computer Humor Distribution #22 * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * NOTE: You are on this mailing list because either you expressed an interest in computer humor or you were included on a distribution list of a humorous item that was sent to us. If you want to be removed from this list send an email telling us so. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * We pay for computer humor... (details at the end of this note) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * The politically incorrect OOP programmer's are wearing t-shirts with this on the back: "Drag me, Drop me, Treat me like an object!" * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * More Tech Support Humor... * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * I work for a prominent online service and was talking with a fellow employee. He asked me where he could find QuickTime for Windows. I told him to try apple.com. He had a puzzled look on his face for several seconds. Then he meekly said, "You do mean the net site, right?" I said, "What else could I mean?" He replied, "I thought you meant like command.com -- the DOS file." * * * * * I caught the end of one of those cable TV Internet programs. In the last five minutes, the host said, "Every week we get thousands of pieces of email asking 'How do I get online?'" Neat trick. * * * * * Tech Support: "Click on the computer icon on the left side of the screen." Customer: "Is that your left or my left?" * * * * * Customer: "It just comes up with a message and says, 'Click OK.' Now what?" * * * * * Tech Support: "Can I help you?" Customer: "Let's get something straight right away. I'm a Mac tech, so I know what the hell I'm doing." Tech Support: "Ok." This caller needed to reinstall fonts; we started the install, and a couple of minutes later... Customer: "Uh...it's telling me I have to insert disk 2. What do I do?" Tech Support: "Um...insert disk 2?" Customer: "Ok." * * * * * I got a call from someone in our office. Friend: "My computer's dead." Me: "Ok, can you tell me what's wrong with it?" Friend: "The screen's black. I got some coffee, came back, and the screen was black." It was a short walk to her desk, so off I go. Looking at the monitor, I saw that it was on with no flashing red lights, so I knew it was connected to the computer. Instinctively, my hand went to the mouse, and snap. The screen came back with all her work. Friend: "WHAT DID YOU DO!?" Me: "I moved your mouse. It was your screen saver." Friend: "Thanks! You're a lifesaver!" * * * * * Customer: "I had been waiting on the phone for you guys for three days! So I finally decided to heck with it and did what the instructions said." * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Don't Try This on Your PC... ;-) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * From rec.humor: "Bill Gates may have all of the money in the world, but I think he needs viagra. Check this out." 1. Open a new document in Word 2. Type "Unable to follow directions" (without the quotes) 3. Higlight the entire sentence you just typed 4. Click Tools; Thesaurus (or hit shift-F7 to open the thesaurus) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Top Ten Reasons My Dog Doesn't Use My Computer * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 10. T0o0p hqa5rxd 6tt0[o 6ty[p3e 2w9igtjh ;pa3wds (Too hard to type with paws) 9. "Sit" and "stay" were hard enough; "delete" and "save" are out of the question. 8. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work. 7. Carpal Paw Syndrome. 6. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway he's browsing www.dogsinheat.com 5. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating. 4. Can't help attacking the screen when he hears, "you've got mail." 3. Too messy to mark every Web site he visits. 2. Fetch command not available on all platforms. 1. Can't stick his head out of Windows 95. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Seen a funny web site? Tell us about it. Here's one that makes us laugh: * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * For disgusting pictures of your favorite confections you have to go all the way to the Science Museum of Minnesota and their, "Name That Candybar" page. Can you identify the candybar by looking at the cross section? Go to -- http://www.sci.mus.mn.us/sln/tf/c/crosssection/namethatbar.html and find out. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * For more computer humor, visit our web page at: http://members.aol.com/misinfo For information on subscribing to the print version, visit the web site or email: misinfo@aol.com * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * We pay for computer humor... Got a funny computer joke or story? Seen a funny web site? Tell us about it and we'll pay you... we'll pay you a nice complement... Really, share it with us and we'll share it with other computer users. Just go to our web site http://members.aol.com/misinfo and follow the link to "Share a joke or comment." Then add your 2 cents to our web page. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Have a nice day :-) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * All material presented here is: Copyright 1998 Chris Miksanek and MISinformation * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *