* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Computer Humor Distribution #19 * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * NOTE: You are on this mailing list because either you expressed an interest in computer humor or you were included on a distribution list of a humorous item that was sent to us. If you want to be removed from this list send an email telling us so. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * We pay for computer humor... (details at the end of this note) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * I've had it up to here (I am pointing at my receding hairline now) with "Microsoft acquires the Ozone layer," "If cars were made by computer manufacturers," and variations of the "12 Days of Christmas," but this gem is not like those. It's funny. Very funny. It's old, too, but it's still funny... plus it fits this issue's theme of "Help Desks." General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to drive. Imagine if they did ... Help Line: "General Motors Help Line, how can I help you?" Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!" Help Line: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?" Customer: "What's an ignition?" Help Line: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine." Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?" Help Line: "General Motors Help Line, how can I help you?" Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!" Help Line: "Is the gas tank empty?" Customer: "Huh? How do I know?" Help Line: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?" Customer: "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?" Help Line: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you." Customer: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!" Help Line: "General Motors Help Line, how can I help you?" Customer: "Your cars suck!" Help Line: "What's wrong?" Customer: "It crashed, that's what wrong!" Help Line: "What were you doing?" Customer: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't start now! Help Line: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?" Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash any more!" Help Line: "General Motors Help Line, how can I help you?" Customer: "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks." Help Line: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?" Customer: "How do I work it?" Help Line: "Do you know how to drive?" Customer: "Do I know how to what?" Help Line: "Do you know how to drive?" Customer: "I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!" * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Here's the flip side of the Help Desk <-> Dumb User eternal battle ... This is an original MISinformation piece, by the way ... Did you ever notice that when you ask whether anyone every *really* mistook the CD-ROM caddy for a coffee-cup holder, help desk technicians always know someone *else* who spoke to such a "stupid" user. Never themselves, always someone else. Sounds like urban legend to me. Here's some more urban legends that you may have heard about: » The user who mistook the mouse for a floor pedal. » The user who held up a paper to his or her monitor and pressed the "Print Screen" button to copy/fax the paper. » The user still looking for the "any" key. » The user who sent a "copy" of the diskette: a photocopy. Ask a help desk technician, who never personally took such a call, but knows someone who has, whether they believe users are that dumb. "Oh yea," the help desk technicians say, "people *are* that dumb." Well, I say you have to be pretty dumb to think that other people are that dumb. Understand what I'm saying? I mean, did you ever sink so low, exhaust so many other last resorts, as to actually have nowhere else to turn but to the "experts" at the help desk? Maybe afterward, you looked up to the sky on a star lit night and wondered if there's intelligent life at any support center? Here's an original MISinformation piece which illustrates the point (or beats it to death, you decide): "There's no such thing as a dumb user, only a dumb help desk technician." No one ever actually mistook a CD-ROM tray for a coffee-cup holder or poured over their keyboard for hours looking for the "any key." The myth of the dumb user is just help desk propaganda to deflect attention from the real IS schlemiels: the help desk technicians themselves. Here are a few actual comments I've compiled from my years dealing with support organizations in the various companies I've worked for or dealt with: » Something I heard in the background while a help desk technician was pinging my IP address: "What time is our 11:30 staff meeting?," one HDer asks. *My* HD responds, "I think it's 11:30, but ask Lou." » I'm recompiling a bunch of stuff in the foreground when I get a call from the support center ... apparently they need to IPL. "How much longer will you be logged on," they ask me. I need to check how many of the 200 modules are left to go so I say, "Just a minute." The support technician thanks me and hangs up. Exactly sixty seconds later, my terminal goes dead. They IPLed. » I'm in the break room taking an early lunch and overhear two help desk "application experts" talking. Expert #1: "If I guess how many donuts you have left in that box, can I have one of them?" Expert #2: "If you guess how many I have, you can have *both* of them." » After fifteen minutes of trying to explain the difference between restarting a remote JES printer and restarting a remote VPS printer: me: "Why do I have to explain everything to you two or three times?" Help Desk Technician: "What do you mean?" Cripes, I'm not sure what's worse, waiting on hold decades for a help desk technician or actually connecting to one. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * For a "balanced" poke of fun at help desks, read MISinformation editor Chris Miksanek's article, "Extension 911, the Effective Help Desk" in the November 1997 issue of Datamation magazine: http://www.datamation.com/PlugIn/issues/1997/november/11ceo10.html * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * We pay for computer humor... Got a funny computer joke or story? Seen a funny web site? Tell us about it and we'll pay you... we'll pay you a nice complement... Really, share it with us and we'll share it with other computer users. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Have a nice day :-) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * For more computer humor, visit our web page at: http://members.aol.com/misinfo * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *