* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Computer Humor Distribution #18 Computer Humor Mailing List * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * NOTE: You are on this mailing list because either you expressed an interest in computer humor or you were included on a distribution list of a humorous item that was sent to us. If you want to be removed from this list send an email telling us so. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Here's a collection of computer- and IT-related chuckles harvested from "da net." Enjoy! * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Today Yahoo was purchased by Netscape. The new company will be relocating to Tel Aviv. The new company will be called "Net & Yahoo". Extended Task Code List Code # Explanation: 5000 Surfing the Net 5001 Reading/Writing Social Email 5002 Sharing Social E-Mail (see codes #5003, #5004) 5003 Collecting Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E-Mail 5004 Forwarding Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E-Mail 5005 Faxing Jokes and Other Humorous Material to Friends not on E-Mail 5316 Meeting 5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting 5318 Trying to sound knowledgeable while in Meeting 5319 Waiting for Break 5320 Waiting for Lunch 5321 Waiting for End of Day 5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker 5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker while Coworker Is Not Present 5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend 5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Is Not Interested in Learning 5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid 5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates Me 5481 Buying Snack 5482 Eating Snack 5500 Filling Out Time Sheet 5501 Inventing Time Sheet Entries 5502 Waiting for Something to Happen 5503 Scratching Myself 5504 Sleeping 5510 Feeling Bored 5600 Bitching about Lousy Job (see code #5610) 5601 Bitching about Low Pay (see code #5610) 5602 Bitching about Long Hours (see code #5610) 5603 Bitching about Coworker (see codes #5322, #5323) 5604 Bitching about Boss (see code #5610) 5605 Bitching about Personal Problems 5610 Searching for a New Job 5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Bitching 5701 Not Actually Present at Job 5702 Suffering from Eight-Hour Flu 6102 Ordering Out 6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive 6104 Taking it Easy while Digesting Food 6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit 6201 Stealing Company Goods 6202 Making Excuses after Accidentally Destroying Company Goods 6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distant Personal Calls 6206 Gossiping 6207 Planning a Social Event 6210 Feeling Sorry for Myself 6221 Pretending to Work While Boss is Watching 6222 Pretending to Enjoy My Job 6223 Pretending I Like My Coworkers 6224 Pretending I Like Important People When in Reality They Are Jerks 6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing 6601 Running my Own Business on Company Time (seecode #6603) 6602 Complaining 6603 Writing a Book on Company Time 6604 Planning a Vacation on Company Time 6611 Staring Into Space 6612 Staring at Computer Screen 6615 Transcendental Meditation 7281 Extended Trip to the Bathroom (at least 10 min.) 7400 Talking with Divorce Lawyer on Phone 7401 Talking with Plumber on Phone 7402 Talking with Dentist on Phone 7403 Talking with Doctor on Phone 7404 Talking with Masseuse on Phone 7405 Talking with House Painter on Phone 7406 Talking with Personal Therapist on Phone 7419 Talking with Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone 7425 Talking with Mistress/Boy Toy on Phone (also see code #7400) 7931 Asking Coworker to Aid Me in an Illicit Activity 8000 Recreational Drug Use THINGS COMPUTERS CAN DO IN MOVIES --------------------------------- 1. Word processors never display a cursor. 2. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences. 3. Movie characters never make typing mistakes. 4. All monitors display inch-high letters. 5. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. 6. Those that don't have graphical interfaces will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English. 7. Note: Command line interfaces will give you access to any information you want by simply typing, "ACCESS THE SECRET FILES" on any near-by keyboard. 8. You can also infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS". (See "Fortress".) 9. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer even if it's turned off. 10. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. (Really advanced computers will also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.) 11. All computer panels operate on thousands of volts and have explosive devices underneath their surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash of light, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks and an explosion that causes you to jump backwards. 12. People typing on a computer can safely turn it off without saving the data. 13. A hacker is always able to break into the most sensitive computer in the world by guessing the secret password in two tries. 14. You may bypass "PERMISSION DENIED" message by using the "OVERRIDE" function. (See "Demolition Man".) 15. Computers only take 2 seconds to boot up instead of the average 2 minutes for desktop PCs and 30 minutes or more for larger systems that can run 24 hours, 365 days a year without a reset. 16. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second. 17. When the power plant/missile site/main computer overheats, all control panels will explode shortly before the entire building will. 18. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen (See "Clear and Present Danger"). 19. If a disk contains encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you insert it. 20. Computers can interface with any other computer regardless of the manufacturer or galaxy where it originated. (See "Independence Day".) 21. Computer disks will work on any computer has a floppy drive and all software is usable on any platforms. 22. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it will have. (See "Aliens".) 23. Note: You must be highly trained to operate high-tech computers because the buttons have no labels except for the "SELF-DESTRUCT" button. 24. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional active animation, photo-realistic graphics capabilities. 25. Laptops always have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and performance similar to a CRAY Supercomputer. 26. Whenever a character looks at a monitor, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto their face. (See "Alien" or "2001".) 27. Searches on the internet will always return what you are looking for no matter how vague your keywords are. (See "Mission Impossible", Tom Cruise searches with keywords like "file" and "computer" and 3 results are returned.) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * For more computer humor, visit our web page at: http://members.aol.com/misinfo * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *