My 2 Cents
By: John Vdorak
    You can call me cynical. Or, you can call me observant. But ya doesn't has ta call me Johnson.
    One of the great scandals in recent time has been the re-capitation of Oprah's head on Ann-Margret's body and while this doesn't make a lot of sense to those of us outside the tabloid world, it at least makes more sense than putting Ann-Margret's head on Oprah's body.
    Let me assure you, none of the spokesmen in the ads reprinted here have had any such unorthodox darkroom hanky-panky performed on them.
    I'm not making any of this up.
   George Lindsey (aka "Goober" of Andy Griffith, Mayberry R.F.D., and Hee Haw fame) is currently pitching computer clock synchronization.
    Frankie "Beach-Party Animal" Avalon is pitching a "fast" P.C.
    Fran "More Time on the Side Line Than on the Goal Line" Tarkenton is pitching computer solutions.
    Or, at least that's what it looks like they're selling.
    I'm really not sure. I've never really bothered to read the copy.
    See, that's the whole problem. Credibility is lost using these chumpy-looking fellows to pitch technical products so out of their scope of understanding that, even by the furthest stretch of the imagination, we're unable to believe they know anything about. Spokesmen, no. Hucksters, maybe.
    Let me tell you about the copy I did read and see if you, too, wouldn't have stopped reading because you have a problem reading and laughing so hard you break-out into a hacking cough.
    (I stripped-off the copy in all the ads to prevent anyone from pursuing whatever it is they're chucking. They didn't pay for the advertising, so the only benefit they reap is to made fun of.)
    The Goober copy reads, "I only act like 'Goober.' It's easy to see that Time Source technology can save more than just money." They then proceed to quote Business Week but instead should have done a capsule review of the time Floyd the barber gave Goober a crew-cut to pay for his oil-change and Goober found out you do get what you pay for.
    Yes, I'm wry, but you would be too if you saw ol' Goob dressed in a suit above a caption that reads, "George Lindsey, actor and businessman. Plays 'Goober' on the Andy Griffith Show?"
    OK, I know Hee-Haw pays well -- you see what Minnie Pearl pays for those hats -- and he probably gets something in residuals from the Mayberry days. Sure, he can't have it all in the bank. He's probably heavily invested in businesses like the one in this ad. In fact he probably owns this business. Who else in their right mind would use him for a pitchman?
    "Actor and businessman!"
    How many Emmys do you suppose he was nominated for? Do we have any reason to suspect he's any better a businessman than he is a thespian? What kind of technical support do you think you would get from Goober? Can you imagine calling him in the middle of the night about some glitch in his product? Can you imagine asking him any kind of technical question?
    Doesn't he know that hawking his own wares is detrimental to their sales.
    He could have done much better hiring Howard Sprague.
    But enough Goober-bashing.

   
   "Kowabunga! Surfing was never this fast!"
    What kind of ad copy is that? It certainly didn't come off Madison Avenue. No. Most likely what happened here was the President/CEO/Custodian of the company looked over what his $150 advertising budget would buy him: An autographed photo of Phil Silvers with the caption, "to my very best friend, Frieda;" 60 minutes of a good graphic artist's time; or, 3-hours with the Big Kahuna. Throwing caution to the wind, he went with the familiar face. (I'm told George Lindsey was cheaper but had a prior commitment.)
    OK, what can I say. In the ad, Avalon's working with a CAD program (pretty believable so far), drawing a surf board (cliché, but effective, I'm still reading), and he's blown out of his chair at the speed of the processor. That's when I turn the page. Would Avalon know that the difference between 4.77 MHz and 12 MHz was directly proportional to the difference of Annette's chest sizes when she was 4.77 and 12 years old?
    I think not. And that's when I move on.
   
    I was going to use the Fran Tarkenton example to accentuate my argument, cross the t, so to speak. But I think I've made my point. There are certain celebrities who should not endorse data processing supplies. (Sure, they can still push Nike shoes and Cross-Your-Heart bras. It's a free country.)
    Here's my list of those other celebrities who should be kept away from the trade magazines: B.B. King; Bill Cosby (but it's inevitable, I guess); Pia Zadora; Some rock stars; Most C&W stars; All former presidents; Jack Klugman; and the dog from, "Here's Boomer."
   
    OK, equal time.
    Who should pitch these high-tech ads?
    Well, except for Goob, Frankie, and the Tarkenheimer, the ad people have done a pretty good job advertising the boring crap they're forced to be creative with. While I can't say I have a favorite computer ad, I can say there've been a few palatable ones.
    I thought the IBM PS/2 ads featuring the M*A*S*H cast, sans Alan Alda,were done well. And there was a cute ad out a few years back for a co-processor or something. It featured a very, err, intelligent woman, but the focus of the ad was clearly on the cleavage of her silicon valley. The copy read, "now that I've got your attention by showing you something interesting, give me a few minutes to tell you about something not so interesting." Good pitch. Unfortunately, their hardware was not received as well as her software.
   
    This is by no means ends my war on hokey computer ads. I plan on a follow-up in a few months. If you've seen a goofy one, tell me about it. In the mean time, turn the page.
 

For When it Has to be Right...
Software Developer To Release New Spell-Checker
Release Date Set for Midnight, October 31st
Early Reaction Calls it "Enchanting."
Salem, Mass. Incantations are a lot like assembler programs. They're both very exacting. Screw-up a field description and you're zapping bytes that weren't meant to be zapped. Screw up a chant and not only do you not get the promotion, but your mother grows a mustache.
    Endora Software, of Salem, Massachusetts, has a solution: it's their new 150,000 word spell-checker, Spell-Master.
    Spell-Master is not the first spell-checker of its kind. There have been others in the field. "We've tried a lot of 'em," Damien Underworld, president and CEO of Endora Software said, "most functioned like that character in the old TV series, Bewitched: Esmerelda. Remember, she was the witch who could screw-up a one-car funeral. Our spell checker was developed for bumblers like that, though it has power features that even the most capable practitioners would appreciate."
    To be sure, Endora's spell-checker does more than check your spells for proper syntax. "It's also a sort of recipe database," Under-world said. "Need to know what to substitute for a newt's eye or a toad stool? We make that information available to the user."
    But not everyone's pleased with Spell-Master.
    "I guess I was expecting more," Rosemary Farrow, one of Endora's beta testers said, "Sure, it's probably the most comprehensive syntax checker of North American incantations, but its database of Eastern European spells leaves a lot to be desired. I'm not buying this program for my coven's P.C."
    To that criticism, Underworld says, "Rosemary's an old hag who's chant of 'Mirror, Mirror,' backfired. We did a survey of registered users of our other product, The Hex Calculator, and they told us they wanted American incantations. There's a lot of stuff out there. There's Eastern European, werewolf stuff, vampires; African; Island Voodoo; Jeez, and there's enough Anti-American Mid-East chanting to fill a 60-meg hard disk. Maybe when optical disk technology gets to where I foresee it going, we'll be able to satisfy hideous wretched broomstick riders like Rosemary.
    "We're the best spell-checker on the market," he said. "Rosemary can keep giving us the evil eye if she likes, she's ugly and that won't change."
    Spell-Master is available for the IBM PC or Apple Macintosh from Endora Software, 7 Obeah, Salem, Mass. $39.95.