Computer Dysfunction
Virus Strikes Clinic's Data
Though they practice safe transmission practices, the data center of the Masters and Johnson Sexual Research Clinic has fallen victim to the latest Silicon Scarlet Letter: The computer virus.
"We think we picked it up from an infected Lisa," said Peter Masters, a computer operator and the brother of William H. Masters, founder of the clinic that co-bears his name; both men are quick to disassociate themselves with the golf tournament that also bears their name.
Masters described the virus as "...sort of an HSA herpes. While it doesn't necessarily promote fatal errors, it is an uncomfortable malady and it can surface at the most unpredictable and inconvenient times."
A computer virus is generally perpetrated by either a hacker (a mischievous personal computer user who is generally sexually frustrated), or by what is known as a 'carrier'--a host-processor that, because of its configuration, acts as a vessel for the virus, perhaps never being affected by it, but passing it on to everyone it interfaces with. "I would caution against creating a panic," Masters said. "Casual interfacing--a real-time multi-player inter-active fiction game played over a CompuServe network, for example --hasn't shown to be a significant risk. It's the hard core exposure, or 'RAMming,' where data is actually transferred from one processor to another, as in uploading and downloading, where one is at the greatest danger."
What can one do about about ridding one's self of a virus?
"One of the guys in our applications department wrote a Cobol program to scan our database--we call it 'Cobol Treatment,' that sounds kinda morbid, but what the heck do you expect from the graveyard shift. Our virus was caught in the early stages, some of the more advanced cases I've heard of have affected the core. When it gets that bad, forget it buddy, you might as well be processing on a VIC-20."
One wonders, Swith all the different data sources it's exposed to, just what precautions the data centers takes. "We stopped using laptops for one thing. Not because of the virus specifically, but as one element in our new 'safe hex' program. We're eliminating as much human interfacing as possible."
Virus' began as somebody's idea of a practical joke, but at Master's & Johnson, where they take their business lying down, no one is laughing.
Programmer Lost For Days, Surfaces By Copy Machine
"I Saw A Green Light, It Was A Ricoh!"
"I was just going from my cubicle to the documentation library, for Christsakes," was all Rob Arras had to say to corporate security who had been searching for the new employee for 36 hours.
"It's these god-blessed cubicles. They're a nightmare. I think I saw Jimmy Hoffa over near the water cooler."
Arras's employer, has weathered many employee grievance meetings over what has been called "their maze of cubicles."
"I can't count how many times I've forgotten the error message I was looking-up by the time I finally got to the library. They oughtta have a map or something," another employee said.
"The worst part of the experience," Arras recalled, "was going in a circle for seventeen hours and seeing the same Gumby propped-up on a programmer's terminal. I hate Gumby, dammit."
