Code-3: Real Life PC Dramatizations
By
Chris Miksanek
©1994 Chris Miksanek
This is one of my favorite computer humor pieces. It also gave me a chance to write a TV script. It was originally published in my own computer newsletter, MISinformation, in 1994 and later, in 1996, Datamation.
Code-3: Real Life PC Dramatizations © 1994 Chris Miksanek Gil Gerrard hosts this drama about real life rescue missions of the genre "Rescue 911" and "COPS." This segment, titled "The one that got away," never aired and was instead replaced at the last minute with the story of two white-water rafters stranded on the rocks after attempting to retrieve a cooler filled with Budweiser. No explanation was given for the last-minute episode switch. FADE IN: INT. MTO BULLPEN. GIL IS STANDING IN FRONT OF SOME TERMINALS. IN B.G., TAPE DRIVES ARE REELING WITH ACTIVITY. GIL The men and women of the Help Desk handle hundreds of calls for help twenty-four hours a day, three-hundred sixty-five days a year. Some are just user errors, others are genuine application crap-outs. When department data is on the line, the experts of the help desk get called in. Join us now for this exciting dramatization. FADE OUT. FADE IN: INT. INTERVIEW ROOM. HEAD SHOT AGAINST BLACK B.G., JOE SPIVAK SPEAKS. JOE I was reading a magazine when the call came in from the Accounts Receivables department. This guy was wailing like a baby. "I deleted it, I deleted it." I could hardly get his name or userid. Luckily, we have those telephones that display the extension number of the caller. I determined the call came from office 817. CUT TO: INT. MTO BULLPEN. GIL The call came from office 817. Clear at the other end of the building. CUT TO: INT. INTERVIEW ROOM. JOE I immediately dispatched Luke, who was on break. CUT TO: INT. BREAK ROOM. LUKE IS SITTING BEHIND A LUNCH ROOM TABLE, THE NEWSPAPER IS SPREAD-OUT. HE IS ABOUT TO LIGHT A CIGARETTE WHEN THE PHONE RINGS. HE GETS UP, CROSSES ROOM TO PHONE, PICKS UP RECEIVER. LUKE It's working as designed. (Listens for a moment. His expression changes.) Jesus! I'll be right there. LUKE QUICKLY EXITS. RETURNS. GATHERS UP NEWSPAPER. EXITS AGAIN. CUT TO: INT. MTO BULLPEN GIL The men had to hurry because when a frantic user deletes a file, time is of the essence. A user can do more damage by trying to recover the file himself. The condition is generally reversible with a good utility program unless the dufus reallocates the disk block. CUT TO: INT. INTERVIEW ROOM. JOE I had to keep him talking. As long as I had him on the phone I knew he wouldn't be dicking with his PC and we stood a good chance of saving his file. CUT TO: INT. MTO BULLPEN. GIL This would give Luke the valuable time he needed to get to Office 817. CUT TO: INT. INTERVIEW ROOM. JOE I told him everything's gonna be OK. That help was on the way. In the mean time I asked him what he was working on. Turns out he was working on a spreadsheet for half of the day before someone came in and accidentally stepped on the master power-button on his power strip. CUT TO: INT. MTO BULLPEN. GIL To make matters worse, the user didn't do frequent saves so the best the boys could hope for was to somehow massage the spreadsheet's temporary file into something usable. CUT TO: INT. INTERVIEW ROOM. JOE I asked him what he did and he said he called the guy who stepped on his power strip a dumb son of a... SFX: BEEP JOE (Cont'd) Then he said he powered his PC back on, that he was using OS/2 so he figured in the eight or so minutes it took to boot he would call us. In a split second, it hit me. This guy's in trouble. CUT TO: INT. MTO BULLPEN. GIL The user was in trouble because the spreadsheet application would do its own housekeeping and automatically delete any temporary files on startup. CUT TO: INT. INTERVIEW ROOM. JOE To make matters worse, the guy told me he had an alias of the spreadsheet application in his startup folder! I tried to sound convincing when I told him... CUT TO: INT. HELP DESK CUBICLE. JOE IS ON THE PHONE WITH THE USER. JOE (Cont'd) It's OK, someone's on the way. CUT TO: INT. MTO BULLPEN. GIL The trek for Luke should have only taken two minutes, but he ran into a delay... CUT TO: EXT. MEN'S ROOM, LUKE EXITS CUT TO: INT. MTO BULLPEN. GIL Time was running out CUT TO: INT. INTERVIEW ROOM. JOE From the voice on the phone I could tell I was losing him... CUT TO: SCREEN GRAPHIC: TAPE RECORDER, REEL SPINNING SLOWLY. USER (SFX: 911 TAPE) Hurry. My review, my work ... due date ... where's the help, Holy God in heaven, where's the help! CUT TO: INT. MTO BULLPEN. GIL Where *was* the help? CUT TO: EXT. SECURITY DESK AREA. LUKE IS WORKING OVER THE SHOULDER OF AN ATTRACTIVE FEMALE SECURITY GUARD, HELPING HER WITH HER PC. LUKE No, No, here, like this. LUKE PUTS HIS HAND ON HERS AND GUIDES HER MOUSE. LUKE (Cont'd) Drag it like this when the apples fall from the trees; get that acorn before the flying squirrel. See. SECURITY GUARD Gee, I've never been to level four before. CUT TO: INT. MTO BULLPEN. GIL Meanwhile, the user's desktop was starting to build. CUT TO: INT. INTERVIEW ROOM. JOE The guy was getting frantic, his applications were starting. INT. USER'S OFFICE. LUKE ARRIVES. CUT TO: INT. MTO BULLPEN. GIL Luke immediately pressed the power-off button to halt any further damage. He surveyed the room. A crowd had gathered. Luke needed a coffee. He told the user he would be back in a few minutes. That the user should just leave the computer alone. Later in the afternoon, Luke came back. There was a boot problem and OS/2 wouldn't come up. In the end, Luke had to reformat the user's disk; not only did the user lose the morning's updates, but all of them since his backup the week before. CUT TO: INT. INTERVIEW ROOM. JOE Not all our stories have happy endings. CUT TO: INT. MTO BULLPEN. GIL Next up, a construction worker hangs upside down for six hours as rescue workers rush to find all two dollars and sixty cents in change that fell out of his pockets onto the ground thirty stories below! FADE OUT. |
All material presented here is Copyright 1994, 2006
Chris Miksanek
Last updated: May 1, 2002